Martoons

Cast of characters

Fred

Mr E 

Max

Thomas

*

“May I introduce my special guest . . . ” said Mr E. 

“Thomas!” Fred exclaimed as the well-built waygook shuffled up confidently but without being threatening in any way.

“Yeah, I’m back – again. I had to get the hell out of Ulsan or I would have ended up working right through Xmas.

“I’m a greedy money-grubbing opportunist. I could have done privates from sun-up to sun-down today. But, hey, it’s Christmas. I love Christmas.”

“Where’s Perky?”

Thomas looked down as if he was hiding something. “I just dropped her off at … a friend’s.”

* Who did he leave her with? *

The waitress brought a full tray of beer for both tables. Thomas made sure everyone got one, then stood up and made a toast:

“Merry Christmas everyone!”

“Ayeesh!” said Max, muttering something about wimpy foreigners drinking beer. He called the waitress over and ordered soju.

Thomas turned to Fred. “Feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t drink in this society. No drinky, no social life. Simple.

“There’s no guilt or taboo associated with drinking here. Alcohol’s available everywhere – corner stores, supermarkets, even roadside stalls.”

Fred agreed and Thomas continued, raising an objecting forefinger: “But that doesn’t mean anything goes here.”

“Koreans have their own very elaborate drinking customs.”

He leaned closer and lowered his voice. “If you want to impress Koreans around a table, you have to know how to drink – the etiquette.

* What is Korean drinking etiquette? *

“Now, look around this table. How many glasses do you see?”

“A couple.”

“And four guys, right? So not everyone can drink at the same time.”

“You never pour your own drink; the oldest guy drinks first and has his glass filled by a younger guy.”

“Think I’m the oldest here,” Fred said, “so I gotta drink first?”

Thomas waved him off. “Waygooks don’t count!”

Fred was relieved. “Okay so that makes Max the oldest.”

The waitress brought an armful of soju bottles. Thomas placed a soju shot glass in front of Max.

The orange-haired hoodlum picked it up graciously and Thomas filled it to the brim with soju.

Then Thomas held the other shot glass up and Max filled that for him.

“One shot!” the gangster exclaimed. They threw back their shots. Max grimaced.

“Kkkkkkkkkkkk!”

He and Thomas handed their shot glasses off to Fred and Mr E who conducted a filling ritual of their own.

“One shass (shot)” Thomas called, imitating a Korean accent.

Max complimented him. “You know Korean style very well.”

“Thanks Max,” Thomas said. “One thing I admire about you Koreans is your respect for each other. Even when you drink there’s a highly-structured code of honour.”

E interjected. “In Korea we take turns and drink in sequence so we all consume the same amount – every man, same same.

“In America you can sit in your seat and drink as fast as you want. Sometimes I see foreigners drink so much alone they get…”

He searched for the word.

“Blotto,” Thomas said. “Like those morons…”

He pointed to a couple of the waygooks around the bigger table, on the verge of passing out, their heads bobbing up and down while those around them were uncaring and chatted merrily.

Meanwhile at the little table the two soju glasses were passed at rapid-fire pace.

Thomas grinned and shook his head. “And it just amazes me how fast you guys drink.”

“This is business man’s style,” E explained. “Most Koreans are very shy. We don’t trust a new person. This can be bad in business – make meetings icy.

“Soju has magical powers of making us feel comfortable and creates a good feeling between strange men. It builds confidence – good for business.”

“And Koreans are very busy, we don’t have much time. So, even drinking – pali pali.”

Thomas responded: “We Canadian men traditionally use alcohol to break down barriers too. Not so much in business but more with strange women we meet in bars!

“Problem is, in the morning we wake up in a strange bed and look beside us and wonder how did I end up with … that?”

Fred laughed. “And then you have to gnaw your arm off to get out, right?”

Thomas laughed. “You know it!”

The two waygooks laughed again but Max and E didn’t get the humour.

It was one of those strange moments when everyone went silent and didn’t know what to say.

This went on for five or ten seconds and the room’s ambient noise became unbearable.  

* Who or what will break the silence? *

*

Tomorrow: The soju does its magic.