Martoons

Cast of characters

Fred

Mr E 

Max

Thomas

*

Xmas Beer    

“Somebody say something!” Thomas threw his arms up. “All I can hear is those waygooks at the next table bashing Korea!”

He looked around his table and his eyes ended-up at Max. “You’ve been pretty quiet so far Max.”

* Why is Max being so quiet? *

“Give me more soju,” Max said, snapping out of a daydream.

“Soju make quiet man noisy. And make stupid man become smart. Rice farmer can become statesman.”

His shot glass was topped-up by Thomas then vice-versa.

Thomas agreed with his underworld acquaintance. “I’ve seen soju make an articulate, social visionary out of even the most humble Korean man or woman.

“Some of my shy students who won’t say a word in class – pump some soju into ‘em and they suddenly start talking their heads off.”

“And they say some pretty profound things.”

“People here are way more informed about politics than Canadians are.” He lifted his shot glass. “Cheers!”

“Cheers!” Max called out, prompting he and Thomas to deep-throat their soju shots. Thomas – in considerable pain from his dose – turned to Fred.

After recovering for a few more seconds he said, “I always throw in my two cents’ worth at these meetings.

Koreans are amazed when we waygooks know anything about this place.

“And they love debating even if it’s the soju doing the talking. Don’t be afraid to speak up. They appreciate it here.”

Max piped up: “Thomas, what do you think of Korean lady?”

He flashed a thumbs-up. “Ladies here are preserved in a time machine. They haven’t been through decades of feminist conditioning.”

“They are polite, respectful and…”

He quickly glanced around to see if any of the nearby foreigner females could hear and then whispered, “Korean women are easy to control.”

* Is this true? *

Mr E looked skeptical. “Easy to control? Maybe I disagree. I have a Korean girlfriend and she control me totally.”

“Ayeesh!” Max said. “Thomas is right. It is only you who cannot control your woman.” He turned to Thomas. “You want marry Korean lady?”

“I think a lot of foreigner guys would.”

“But Canadian lady – so beautiful.”

Thomas waved him off. “My ex was beautiful … but you can’t tell a book by its cover. I never knew what I was coming home to each night.”

He sighed. “It’s not so much beauty that attracts me to the ladies here.”

“It’s more basic stuff like … hmmm … most Korean broads can cook and they want to raise families.”

“I don’t mean to offend any foreigners here tonight…” He looked around again.

“But I like those traditional values.” He shrugged as if he was guilty of something. 

Mr E was still fretting. “Thomas you better marry Korean lady soon. They are changing fast.”

“I’ll see what I can do Mr E.”

He laughed and scavenged the foreigners’ table for an unclaimed beer but Max waved him off and handed him a soju glass.

Thomas’ natural Canadian queasiness caused him to inspect the vessel. Filthy and covered in fingerprints, he nevertheless held it out for filling.

“Cheers – to Korean women. Kitchen queens and bedroom bosses!” He chugged his last shot. “Kkkkk!”

He had more trouble getting this one down than the last; it looked like he might gag.

There was an agonizing pause and he wondered if the soju Gods were making him pay for his woman comment.

He also felt embarrassed in front of E and Max – he hadn’t met their manly drinking standards.

Coincidentally, Max and E both excused themselves; E to call Miss No and Max to respond to someone who had just paged him.

“And,” Max said getting up and leaving the table, “maybe – we – smoking.”

They slipped out of the room. Thomas was still barely able to speak as if he’d just ingested poison.

He turned to Fred, “That’s it for soju for me.” He put the glass on the table.

“Man, I hope I haven’t drank too much already. I gotta keep a clear head.”

“Something really important could be going down tonight. It could change my life.”

Fred was intrigued.

* What might be happening for Thomas later? *

*

Tomorrow: Fred fills Thomas in on his rocky work circumstances.