Martoons

Cast of characters

Fred

Mr E

Miss No

Donna

Mr Go

*

“Wanna come?” Fred asked Donna, regarding the soju tent. 

“I’ll stay here and mediate,” she replied with a small wave-off.

“I have a feeling that if I went with you, Miss No and Mr E might be at each other’s throats worse.”

* Do you think that’s true? *

She shrugged. “And maybe I’ll see some other waygooks here.”

Fred scooted up the beach and darted inside the festive and noisy Big Top Soju Tent.

An unshaven, pale-looking man wearing a ball cap immediately approached him and invited him over to share a large bowl of seafood soup that he’d just ordered.

* Who is this man? A stranger? *

Spontaneous greetings like this – between anonymous Koreans and lone (and even small groups of) waygooks – are not out of the ordinary in Korea, so Fred didn’t hesitate to join the man.

He couldn’t see the man’s eyes because his cap’s brim was pulled down.

“Happy New Year!” the man said and then flung back a shot of alcohol from a small glass, emptying the remaining drops on the floor and handing the same glass to Fred.

Now Fred could see his face.

* And the man is… *

“Mr Go! Right on. I heard you were here.”

They shook hands.

Go: “Soju — you likey?”  

“Soju? I lovey!” Fred was white-lying of course. Go poured him a shot and he quaffed it with great discomfort.

“Look at this,” Go said as he spooned out a shellfish from the soup. He pried the two halves of the shell apart to expose the meat.

He nudged Fred as if to let him in on a secret. “It looks like a woman’s hee-haw.”

“OK!” Fred said and they both laughed wholeheartedly. Fred had never seen this let-it-all-hang-out side of Go.

The Canadian took an unprecedented second shot of soju. It and the hee-haw soup were doing wonders to cheer him up.

“And you seem to be in unusually good spirits tonight Mr Go. Happy New Year!”

* What’s got Mr Go in such a good mood? *

Another man came into the tent and right up to them. He had a cheap party mask on, which he immediately doffed.

It was Mr E, but there was something different about him: He was hobbling.

* What happened to him? *

He rubbed his hands together as they were ice cold. He greeted Go and Fred, then immediately accepted a filled soju shot glass from Go, which he vigorously quaffed.

“Hurt your leg?” Fred asked puzzled. “The hobble, I mean.”

E sighed heavily and paused before answering. “You know Fred, someday I really want a son and I’m not getting any younger so maybe I must marry Miss No.”

“I’ll even put up with her controlling my life sometimes.”

“But one thing that annoys me about her is she never wants to have fun, nor does she like me enjoying myself either. She tried to prevent me from coming in this tent!”

Fred laughed. “East question west answer! All I asked you about was your leg – you were hobbling!”

“I’m getting to that…”

* Do you think Miss No might have hurt E?… *

A few minutes earlier, Miss No had indeed lived up to her name as the bonfire blazed: “No you (Mr E) should not go to Seoul for that new job…”

“No I am not going to introduce you to my parents – not yet anyway; maybe in a couple of months or next year. You must be patient…”

And “No way am I going to throw my New Year’s Eve away on this lovely Lighthouse Beach watching you get drunk and transform into the babbling, sentimental idiot that I hate.”

“Please don’t drink tonight!”

Miss No was a quick read when it came to people and even though she’d only known Mr E for just over a week, she’d reached some fundamental conclusions about him.

She wasn’t ready to commit her life to him through marriage yet. One main reason was that she was finding he was likeable only during certain hours of the day – usually up to dinner.

But then he’d start-in on the soju, the first few shots ostensibly to ‘aid digestion’.

As the evening hours continued, he showed a penchant for doing magic tricks on bottles of the dreaded clear libation, making their contents disappear rather rapidly.

For his part, E was well aware of this monkey on his back and had already realized that winning Miss No over would require dislodging the primate.

And so he’d decided that that would be his New Year’s Resolution: Soju – Game Over.

* Do you think he’ll stick with that resolution? *

However, as of now it was still technically the old year, and he had no intention of wasting the few precious hours left embroiled in an argument with No.

Thus, his eyes wandered up and down the beach and he spotted a string of orange soju tents.

Go (and now Fred too) was somewhere nearby waiting for him and time was a wastin’. He turned to No and white-lied: “Honey … washroom,” and headed off down the beach.

*

Tomorrow: Mr E continues the tale of how he hurt his leg.