Martoons

Cast of characters

Mr E

Miss No

A policeman

A youth

*

The fuss was coming from outside the washroom. No was yelling: “Don’t you know what we did with punks like you in the old days? Huh? Huh?”

She had a pimply-faced, greasy-haired teenager backed up against the front washroom wall. “You steal and you’d have your hands cut off!”

* What does she think the teenager has stolen? *

The boy looked befuddled. “Steal? Steal what? I didn’t steal anything… Ayeesh!”

“Now give me back those gloves. They’re not yours. There is no way you could have afforded them and I can prove they belong to my boyfriend.”

“Not a chance,” the stubborn teen said and clenched his glove-laden hands into tight fists and folded his arms equally as tense.

“I found them fair and square. Finder’s keepers.”

All the commotion had drawn the attention of the youthful policeman who’d done his washroom sweep earlier. He approached the two.

“This is no way to carry on. It’s New Year’s Eve and we don’t want any trouble on Lighthouse Beach tonight. If you keep this up you’ll both be going down to the police station.”

* Do you think it’ll end up coming to that? *

No’s anger welled up but recently she’d learned to recognize when she was entering an emotional danger zone. She bowed her head, crossed her arms, and turned away 45 degrees.

Facing away from the source of her distress, she could focus her mind on tightly screwing the cap on her boiling radiator of rage.

The whole beach seemed to go silent for five seconds.

Then, her vexation now safely suppressed, she turned back toward the cop and cranked up a public relations smile:

“Sir, this young man appears to have snatched my boyfriend’s gloves from the men’s washroom.”

“I recognized them right away. I bought this exact pair from Hyundai Department Store on Christmas Eve.”

“The brand is Playboy and they cost $100. So do your job and have this ingrate cough-up the goods so I can get back to my friends.”

She turned up her nose.

“If these are your boyfriend’s,” the policeman interjected, “where exactly is he at this moment?”

“He is still in the washroom…” She stepped away from the officer and walked over to the doorway and shouted inside. “Mr E! Mr E! Hurry up!”

She waited and listened. “Oh! If you’re looking for the beautiful gloves that I gave you for Christmas, they are out here!”

The wary officer investigated the interior of the men’s room and came out. “Completely empty in there, sorry to say.

Maybe everyone is down at the bonfire.” He glanced at his watch. “The new year is only moments away.”

No was puzzled. “What the… Well where the heck is my boyfriend?”

The policeman shrugged and was losing patience with this obviously wealthy yet ditzy woman. The alleged glove stealer was fidgety.

“Police man, sir, can I leave now? My b-b-buddies are worried about me and I’m sh-shivering.” His teeth rattled together.

“Honestly, sir, there was absolutely no one in that washroom when I found these gloves. Isn’t it only fair that I be allowed to keep them?”

* What do you think the policeman will say? *

Miss No still wasn’t going to give in. “Found? Where precisely did you find them? Just because someone temporarily sets gloves somewhere while they go and do their…”

She cleared her throat. “…business, doesn’t mean they’re up for grabs. Come on!”

“They weren’t simply sitting there! Ayeesh!” the youth retorted. “I … recovered them.”

Even though the situation begged explanation, he was too embarrassed to explain the grisly nature of his rescue effort for the gloves.

He’d plucked them carefully off the cake pile in stall 3 and thoroughly washed them under icy water without the assistance of paper towels or soap (Korean public washrooms don’t stock such things).

He’d scraped off all the cake with only his fingernails – a task made painstaking because his nails were bitten down to the quick. Nevertheless, he’d earned his keep.

Skeptical of the policeman’s claim that the can was vacant, No got on the phone yet again to E. “Where are you? We give up – where are you hiding in there?”

* What can E say?! *

E turned back into the soju tent and racked his brains, finally blurting into the phone: “I … have an upset stomach.

That kimchi at your church dinner tonight was a little too spicy. I have gas. It will pass. I need some time.”

“How much time?”

“Give me … five minutes.”

No turned to the cop. “He’s coming out shortly. When he does, he’ll claim the gloves and that’ll be the end of it. I’m so sorry to take up your time.”

The skittish teenager took it upon himself to scoot back inside and check, reappearing seconds later. “Miss, there is no one inside.

Not a single person anywhere. Why don’t you go in yourself and look?”

“Just a moment,” No snapped back and flipped her phone back open to speed dial E. “I’m being told there’s no one in your washroom.

If you’re not in there why pretend you are? This is embarrassing and childish. Look, if you’re lying …”

She paused before delivering her knockout punch. “…then we’re over.”

* Will this be the end for Mr E and Miss No? *

*

Tomorrow: Someone else comes to join the men in the soju tent.