Martoons

Cast of characters

Fred

Mr E

Miss No

*

E repeated, “Fred, who did you come here with?”

“Oh yeah, yeah Mr E, sorry I’m daydreaming. I came here with Hot Sauce’s mother. But I won’t be going home with her.”

“She’ll be staying behind to pray, I’m sure.”

They eased their way out of the tight hallway into the lobby.

“Will you eat rice?”

E was referring to the simple meal served in the church basement after the service. Fred needed fuel for the anticipated chilly walk home so he agreed.

They headed down the stairs, entered a large room and sat down on the floor at long, low-legged tables.

Even though food was on the table already and losing steam quickly – and Fred was super hungry – people were waiting for others to take their seats.

“We always eat together,” E clarified. “Korean style.”

“Will Miss No be joining us shortly?” Fred was silently dreading sitting with her.

“Soon.” He’d saved a seat for her.

“You need not be apprehensive. I think she will be very happy to see you. After all, in a way you introduced us and that is very important.”

* How will Miss No feel about sharing the meal with Fred? *

Fred chuckled. “Actually – to be honest – I tried to scuttle that introduction! Thank goodness I failed. I’ve already got enough problems with Miss No!”

E mildly waved Fred off.

“Don’t worry. From what little I know of her, she’s not easily discouraged. Your effort to help me – and thanks – seemed to make her more determined.”

No still hadn’t arrived but after a prayer, the entire room began digging into their food at the same time.

All talking ceased and the last thing E said was, “When food is so delicious, the person across from me could die and I wouldn’t even notice. It’s a Korean proverb.”

* Is No still coming to join them? *

All you could hear was a cacophony of metal spoons and chopsticks clanging against the sides of bowls, side dishes, and pans, and then the most distinctive sound of the Korean feast:

Slurp! Slurp!

E apologized.

“I heard that Americans think slurping food is rude. But our legendary King Sejong said food is most delicious when eaten this way.”

“I like the way you guys eat,” Fred said.

“As if every meal is your last. Whatever’s on the table becomes a feast. I’m used to a big turkey at Christmas, but this rice, kimchi and vegetable broth will do. So humble.”

Fred was a lot hungrier than he thought and indeed he wouldn’t have noticed Mr E if he’d died. But he did notice Miss No.

Toward the end of the meal, he looked up and she was towering over him with a twisted smile.

“You’ve already met my boyfriend I see,” she said, sitting down on the floor beside E.

Fred found it clever how (he believed) she’d purposely and tactfully avoided arriving earlier to preclude a tense meeting while they ate.

Fred: “Boyfriend? That was fast. I thought you guys just met.”

“Everything happens fast in Korea.” She smiled widely at Fred whenever she looked up from her meal.

Between slurps she uttered, “Mr E will attend a Christian college next fall. She will study to be a church Minister.”

* Did Mr E decide this?… *

“He,” Fred corrected her grammar.

“Oh, yes, sorry Fred.”

“What about your career at the bank, Mr E?” Fred asked. “You seem so comfortable there. Everybody likes you.”

E was still busy finishing his rice.

He put down his spoon to answer, but Miss No cut in. “His father has many connections and got him the job there but banking is not his passion.”

“What is your passion Mr E?”

“My university major was…”

No cut in again. “He is not interested in his major any more. What was your major Fred?”

“Philosophy.”

“Who is your favorite philosopher?”

“Nietzsche.”

She waved him off vigorously. “Nietzsche said God is dead. We are Christians so we don’t like him.”

Fred replied chuckling, “That wasn’t all Nietzsche said!” but didn’t think it was the time and place to discuss it in detail.

“Hey,” E interjected. “You want to hear a joke about Nietzsche?”

Fred nodded and smiled. No looked skeptical and concerned.

“One of Nietzsche’s students wrote on a washroom stall:

God is dead, signed Nietzsche. Then below that someone wrote, Nietzsche is dead, signed God.”

Fred smiled. Cute but he’d heard it before.

“Then,” E punch-lined, “below that: “Whoever the little she-bal is who’s writing graffiti on my stall, if I catch you YOU’RE DEAD!” Signed Janitor.”

Fred had never heard such a lame joke before; so lame in fact that it made him laugh, which turned into a bit of a laughing fit.

It infected E and he turned up a big toothy smile.

However, when E noticed that Miss No was keeping a serious face, he abruptly put his hand up to his mouth, faked a mild cough, and then wiped off his smile.

*

Tomorrow: Mr E becomes the chauffeur for the evening.