Martoons

MY TRIP TO THE MAGAZINE STAND (Martoons EDITORIAL)

WHEN YOU DRAW CARTOONS YOU MAKE FUN OF REAL LIFE. HOWEVER, YOU HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN REAL LIFE TO KNOW WHAT IT’S REALLY LIKE. YOUR CARTOONS HAVE TO BE RELEVANT, MEANINGFUL, AND FUNNY.

THUS, I VENTURED OUT INTO A REAL MAGAZINE STAND AT THE GROCERY STORE YESTERDAY TO SEE “WHAT’S OUT THERE” AS FAR AS MAGAZINES GO. THE LATEST PARODY MARTOONS PUBLISHED ABOUT MAGAZINES GO WAS MT#1371 – A HILARIOUS SATIRE OF WHAT USED TO BE CALLED (MAYBE 10 YEARS AGO) “HARD BODY MAGAZINES.” THE MARTOONS TEAM UPDATED THIS SIX PART CARTOON RECENTLY TO RENDER IT MORE UP TO DATE. MY TRIP TO THE MAGAZINE STAND WAS AIMED AT FINDING OUT IF THERE IS STILL SUCH A THING AS A “HARD BODY MAGAZINE”.

TURNS OUT THERE IS. ONLY THE TITLES ARE A LITTLE SOFTER. THE ONE I GAWKED AT FOR 30 SECONDS OR SO (UNTIL MY PERIPHERAL VISION COULD SENSE A FELLOW SHOPPER AMBLING DOWN THE AISLE TOWARDS THE MAGAZINES) IS CALLED “STRONG”.

FLIPPING IT OPEN I HAD TO LAUGH. SAME KIND OF PHOTOS AS THE OLD HARD BODY MAGS: SUPERMODEL-LIKE FEMALES (THIS MAG DIDN’T FEATURE MALES) WEARING ULTRA-AERODYNAMIC FITNESS OUTFITS AND BENT ALL OUT OF SHAPE LIKE CONTORTIONISTS. MORE NEED NOT BE SAID.

SO, YES, HARD BODY MAGAZINES STILL EXIST. AND THE “BEAUTY” OF THE MODELS IS STILL JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE FITNESS ROUTINES THEY ARE DISPLAYING. THINK ABOUT IT – WHAT’S TO STOP A MAGAZINE FROM FEATURING NORMAL, AVEAGE- LOOKING WOMEN AS THE MODELS, LIKE THE VAST MAJORITY OF WOMEN AT THE VAST MAJORITY OF GYMS?

OTHER FINDINGS WERE MADE AS I PERUSED A FEW MORE MAGS. THE SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT EDITION IS OUT. IT IS CAREFULLY PLACED UP IN A HIGH RACK ON THE MAGAZINE STAND SO YOU CAN ONLY SEE THE TITLE AND THE WOMAN’S FACE, NOT THE OTHER FEATURES A LITTLE FARTHER DOWN.

OF COURSE I HAD TO LOOK BUT AS MY ARM EXTENDED UP, A THOUGHT WENT THROUGH MY MIND: “I BET THEY’VE GIVEN UP ON THE GARGANTUINELY-ENDOWED, SYNTHETICALLY MANUFACTURED MAMMARIAN SPHERES (IS THIS REAL ENGLISH?).” OUT COMES THE MAGAZINE OFF THE HIGH-UP SHELF INTO MY SIGHT LINE AND LO AND BEHOLD THE COVER MODEL IS (OF COURSE) “GOOD LOOKING” BUT THE TOP HALF OF HER SWIMSUIT IS ALMOST FALLING OFF DUE TO THE VERY HUMBLE (I.E. ALMOST NON-EXISTENT) CHEST ENDOWNMENT.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I AM HAPPY. THE MODELLING WORLD WAS CLOSE TO INSANITY ABOUT 10 YEARS AGO (WHEN I STOPPED PAYING ATTENTION) WITH MODELS ALMOST REQUIRED TO UNDERGO GROTESTQUE CHEST IMPLANTS JUST TO GET JOBS. THAT ERA IS OVER I SEEMS, AND IF NOT YET, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED IS HERALDING IN THE NEW ERA.

THAT WAS IT. I STARTED WALKING AWAY TO GET SOME OTHER GROCERIES BUT MY EYES WERE TAKING ONE LAST LOOK AT WHICH MAGS WERE IN THE LOWER SHELVES. THE ONE THAT INTERESTED ME PERSONALLY WAS A GUITAR ROCK STAR MAG. APPARENTLY, AND I DIDN’T READ TOO CLOSELY, BLACK SABBATH HAS REUNITED, ALTHOUGH I COULD BE WRONG. THE QUOTE I READ WAS TONY SAYING, “IT FEELS REAL THIS TIME.”

WHAT AMAZES ME ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING IS HOW TONY IOMMI AND A PILE OF OTHER GUITAR STARS HAVE RISEN TO ALMOST THE LEVEL OF GODS. I MEAN, TONY IOMMI (AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GUITAR; DON’T PLAY ONE, NEVER HAVE, ETC.) SEEMS LIKE A FAIRLY COMPETENT PLAYER OF THE GUITAR (AFTER ALL, EDDIE VAN HALEN SAID THAT TONY IOMMI WAS ONE OF HIS FAVES) AND ON TOP OF THAT, WE CAN ADD THAT, YES, BLACK SABBATH DID MAKE A TON OF MONEY AND CONTINUES TOO, LONG LONG PAST THE ERA WHEN THEY WERE MAKING THEIR FIRST RUN.

BUT MY STICKING POINT IS THAT IN A WORLD OF SCARCE MEDIA RESOURCES, WHY ALLOCATE MORE FRONT COVERS AND ARTICLES AND PUBLICITY TO MUSICIANS THAT WERE FAMOUS DECADES AGO AND ALREADY HAVE OODLES OF CASH? WHY NOT PUBLICIZE THE NEW GUYS AND GALS WHO ARE TRYING TO MAKE A GO OF IT?

TRUE ENOUGH, IT TAKES A CERTAIN TYPE OF ENLIGHTENED LISTENER TO CONSCIOUSLY TURN AWAY FROM FAMILIAR STUFF FROM THE PAST, AND REACH OUT FOR NEW STUFF. I TRY TO, BUT STILL DO FIND MYSELF LISTENING TO CLASSIC ROCK (AS WELL AS HAVING A BALL SINGING IT AT KARAOKE).

BUT THERE IS SOME AMAZING NEW STUFF OUT THERE AND I DON’T THINK TONY IOMMI WOULD BE UPSET IF HE WERE BUMPED OFF THE LATEST “GUITAR GOD MAGAZINE” SO THAT  A NEW UP-AND-COMER COULD GET PROFILED.

BY MARTOONS EDITOR MARTY WEST, JUNE 23/2025.